


What Was Happening in His Brain

by thekindworthreading



Series: Jamilton Month 2020 [15]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Insecurity, Jamilton Month 2020, M/M, Pining, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekindworthreading/pseuds/thekindworthreading
Summary: Thomas knows that Alexander is in it only for sex. Right?
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Series: Jamilton Month 2020 [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1773895
Comments: 10
Kudos: 133





	What Was Happening in His Brain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goddamnfaith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddamnfaith/gifts).



> This is for Jamilton Month 2020 Day 15 - Historical and omg idk how it got so long
> 
> @goddamnfaith I just wanted to tell you that I love you

When Thomas wakes up, he is alone in bed, like every morning. It shouldn´t surprise him. Alex never stays the night. They both know that it´s far too dangerous for them to be caught like this, but every time he falls asleep in Alexander´s arms, a tiny part of him hopes that he will still be there when he wakes up again.

Thomas thinks about just staying in bed, but after a few minutes of staring at the ceiling, and overthinking their relationship, he gets up. The thing is, whatever they are doing, it´s not a relationship, they have made that clear from the beginning. It´s just physical. It´s just sex. After over a year of Alexander spending more nights at Thomas´ house than at his own though, Thomas can´t ignore the feelings he has started to develop for his colleague anymore. He lets out a sigh, a familiar sadness taking hold of him once again.

He puts on his jacket and steps outside, wrapping the scarf tighter around his neck as he makes his way to work, hoping that walking there instead of taking a carriage will clear his head and heart of those unwanted emotions.

When he reaches his workplace half an hour later, his heart still feels heavy in his chest, but during the walk, a welcoming numbness has settles over him, which is only partly due to the cold outside. Thomas makes his way to his office, letting out another sigh when he sees how many letters have arrived for him to look over since he went home yesterday. He takes off his jacket and sits down, reaching for the first one. He spends the next few hours writing pointless responses, his thought preoccupied with a certain colleague of his. He had hoped that the work would help him shake off the numb heavy feeling in his heart, but he still feels far from himself.

It´s already noon, when a knock on Thomas´ office door disrupts his work, and he looks up as Alex comes in with a bright smile on his face, before locking the door. He forces himself to smile back, even has he feels something like dread growing in the pit of his stomach at the sight of his lover.

“Do you have a lot to do?”, Alex asks innocently, as he walks around the table.

He presses a kiss to the side of Thomas´ head, who closes his eyes at the touch, doing his best to ignore the longing for more. Alexander walks past him to the window, looking out at the street.

“I do.”, Thomas answers Alexander´s earlier question, even if it´s not true. The other man turns around, raising his eyebrows at him. “I do have a lot to do.”, Thomas clarifies and Alex nods.

“Alright, I´ll see you tonight, then?”, it´s phrased like a question, but they both know that it isn´t.

Thomas nods, not sure if he´d even be able to talk. Alex gives him another smile, one Thomas has never seen directed at anyone else than himself, and walks back over to Thomas. He cups his face, tilting it up so that he can kiss him more easily, connecting their lips. Thomas still feels his heart racing at it, and he tries to get lost in the kiss, like he always does, but his mind is still too loud and he doesn´t quite manage to do so. As soon as Alex pulls back, he misses the contact, but at the same time, he is glad that the other man isn´t touching him anymore.

“Until tonight then.”, Alexander says, taking another step back and towards the door.

All Thomas wants to do is call him back and either tell him to never talk to him again or scream at him that he loves him, and he doesn´t know which option would hurt more. In reality, he does neither of those things and just watches him go, his heart heavy and aching in his chest. Once the door closes behind Alex again, Thomas buries his face in his hands, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.

He knows that he should break this off, it´s torture, but at the same time, he can´t bring himself to actually tell Alexander to never come back, because that would be a different kind of torture. One, that would probably be far worse. Like this, Thomas can at least pretend sometimes that Alex actually cares about him. Thomas lets out another sigh, opening his eyes again, and does his best to concentrate on his work again.

The hours tick by both incredibly slow and at the same time at the speed of light, even though Thomas doesn´t know how that is even possible. When it´s getting dark outside, he starts gathering his papers, trying to be as slow as possible, before he makes his way downstairs and home.

Alex is supposed to join him in the next hour, so Thomas thinks about eating something, disregards the thought almost immediately though. He isn´t exactly nervous, but doesn´t think he could keep food down at the moment, so he decides to change into his evening gown and continue the book he is currently reading. His mind keeps traveling though and he finds it hard to concentrate, so when Alex comes into the bedroom, he has only managed to read three pages.

Thomas´ heart skips a beat when he sees Alex, but can´t help smiling back at him. His lover walks over to him and gently takes the book out of his hands, placing a kiss to his head, before setting the book down on the bedside table.

“How has your day been?”, Alex asks, and takes his hands, pulling him to the bed.

“Do you actually want to know or-?”, Thomas starts, but gets interrupted by a gasp, when Alex slips his hands underneath his shirt. They are still cold from outside and it causes shivers to run down his spine.

“Of course, I want to know.”, Alexander answers with a small laugh. “Why shouldn´t I?”

Thomas shrugs.

“It was… fine.”, he lies. “But I prefer this.”

He lets out a small moan as Alex sucks on the skin underneath his ear and tries to push him away, but Alex just wraps his arms tighter around Thomas´ waist.

“Hey, no marks, remember?”, Thomas breathes, but he actually couldn´t care less.

Alex just laughs again, playfully biting his neck one more time, before he moves to unbutton his shirt. As Alexander starts kissing down his chest, Thomas notices that he hasn´t even kissed him as a welcome, and it really shouldn´t hurt so much, but it does. He presses his eyes closed, when he feels Alex reaching his breeches, his hand falling onto Alexander´s head almost on its own accord. His heart feels heavy with longing for Alex to actually return his love, but this is all he will get and he tries to do his best to enjoy it, for as long as the other man will let him.

He feels Alexander kissing down his thigh and shudders, all thoughts leaving his head for the moment.

“You are always so responsive for me.”, he chuckles, and Thomas is about to protest, when Alex gives him a shove.

He loses his balance and falls back against the bed, letting out an involuntary yelp. Almost instantly, Alex is above him, pressing him down into the mattress, finally kissing him for real. Thomas practically melts in Alexander´s arms, almost feeling lightheaded as his lover slips his tongue into his mouth. When Alex pulls back again, it takes Thomas a moment to open his eyes, glancing up at his lover´s smug smile.

“You like that?”, he asks, as if he doesn´t know from past experiences that Thomas does indeed like that very much.

Instead of an answer, he just lets out a whine, which causes Alex to chuckle, but luckily, he leans down again to kiss him. He almost doesn´t notice Alexander´s hand traveling down his body, but doesn´t really pay any mind to it nonetheless, until he feels one of his fingers ghosting over his hole.

“Relax.”, Alex whispers, before kissing him again, and Thomas is almost embarrassed that he has to be told that over and over again.

He does his best to do as he´s told, biting his lip to keep himself from making any noises.

“You know I want to hear you.”, Alex whispers, spreading his fingers just as Thomas is about to respond, which causes him to let out a moan.

“Just like that, darling.”, Alex praises, repeating the motion again.

Soon Alex is removing his fingers again, replacing them with his cock. He presses his eyes close, as he feels Alex pushing in, trying to just enjoy the moment. He just can´t think about how he is nothing more than a nice little distraction for Alex.

As soon as Alex hits that one spot inside him though, it´s easy to just let his mind float, not thinking about anything except how good he feels and how pretty Alex sounds and looks. Once they have both came, his breathing gets slowly back to normal and reality start to sink in again. Alex is already out of bed to get a washcloth, even though Thomas would have preferred for him to stay a little longer next to him. He lets out a sigh and closes his eyes, only opening them, when he hears Alex coming back.

He is wearing one of Thomas´ shirt, which seems far too domestic and feels a bit like a slap in the face of what he can never have. He knows that it´s unrealistic, but sometimes he wishes that they could just be each other, without having to fear for their lives. Alex gives him a small smile, oblivious to what is happening inside Thomas´ mind.

Alex walks over to the bed, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, before he starts wiping away the sweat and cum from Thomas´ skin. He closes his eyes and just enjoys being cared for, letting out a short whine, when Alexander´s hand leave him.

“Should I stay a bit?”, Alex asks, and Thomas nods, shifting a bit to get under the blanket.

He knows that this will only make everything harder, but he is too selfish to care about that. He lets out a sigh when Alex wraps his arms around him, cuddling against him. They are silent for some time, just enjoying the closeness of each other. Usually it´s Alex who breaks the silence, but this night, it´s Thomas who speaks first.

“Alexander?”, he asks tentatively, turning around in his arms so that he is looking at him.

“Hmm?”, the younger man gives back.

He lifts his hand and rakes it through Thomas´ hair, before pulling him close to press a kiss to his lips.

“What is it, sweetheart?”, Alex asks, frowning at him. “You look kind of sad, did I do something wrong?”

Thomas quickly shakes his head. Alex didn´t do something wrong. He just did what they agreed on. Thomas lets out a sigh. He really doesn´t know where to start.

“Are there other people beside me? Do you seek pleasure elsewhere when I don´t have time?”

The question comes out far more insecure then he intended, and he fears that he has given away too much, but when Alex cuddles closer and presses another kiss to his neck, he relaxes a little.

“Once.”

Thomas tenses at that, but Alexander´s soothing hands drawing circles on his back help him relax again.

“A few days after the first time, when I didn´t think you wanted to do this again. But after you came back, never.”

When Alex leans back a bit, Thomas thinks for a moment that he is going to get up, but instead he locks eyes with him, and Thomas´ breath catches in his throat at how unguarded and honest he shows how he feels.

Thomas presses their foreheads together, breathing in Alexander´s smell.

“Since that first time, I´ve only wanted you.”, Thomas whispers.

He feels Alexander´s lips brush against his.

“You have me.”

And somehow, those three words mean a lot more than a simple “I love you” ever could.

**Author's Note:**

> Tysm for reading! Pls tell me what you think of it! You can also follow me on tumblr @whatdidimissjm :)


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